Hallo everyone,
The last time I posted was in June. What can I say about the months of July, August and September? Hard. Painful. Sad. Depressed. Long. Heavy. Dark. I feel like I didn't see the summer this year walking through the haze. In June, when I last posted, I had just begun my search for employment. I was devastated at the thought of having to go back to work full time. I cried a lot and felt sad. But God comforted my heart and I buckled down and applied for jobs and waited for interviews. And waited. And applied. And waited. And applied. And waited. And nothing. At the end of June TJ lost his short term disability payments as well, which left us without any income (or savings etc).
Fast forward through a lot of hard days to mid-September. I got a job interview for a job that was a great fit, good pay and even had big sunny windows! I went, felt like I really clicked with everyone and was certain I had a good chance at the job. And then got an email saying someone else had been chosen. Oh how that hurt! Oh how that hurts now. And at that point I lost hope. I lost the hope that things will get better. I lost hope that we'll continue to keep our home, that we won't have to declare bankruptcy, lost hope that I'll ever get work or that we'll ever get off government benefits. A lot of people on my facebook page were very encouraging and uplifitng, but when that feeling enters your soul it's hard and painful and feels very solid. All I saw were months ahead of waiting without hope of work to be followed with an auction and foreclosure and being homeless again. Sigh.
(Now, as a long aside here, I'll also say at no point have I lost my faith in God. I believe there is a good God whose Son is Jesus, whose Spirit walks through all of life with me. I am never and will never be alone. Ever. Now whether I think because I believe in this God I am guaranteed to have a roof over my head or food on the table...well, that one I'm still working out, though I lean heavily toward "no, no guarantees of anything" outside the Spirit bringing comfort and rest for my soul. Onward with the story...)
And yet. Yet! Isn't that a lovely word. Depressed and hopeless not withstanding I've been trying to maintain our normal routines and schedules and activities, so when a new Bible study started at one of the local churches I went. And I'm so thankful I did. We are going through Priscilla Shirer's study on the life of Gideon. And through the study and time in the Word my perspective is slowly changing.Whether it is the study, my time in the Word or the Spirit bringing comfort to my heart, I am seeing things differently.
First, I've been asking myself a new question: "What if I could have a fast forward button on my life. Let me fast forward three years down the road. TJ is done with school now and I'm looking back at this time. What will I wish I had done? What will I "kick" myself for not doing?" Well, for one, I will want to kick myself for not doing all the little projects that I didn't have time to do once I started working. I have scrapbooks and sewing projects and learning projects galore that could be getting done right now. We have carpet to tear out and steps to repair and landscaping to do. The garden needs attention and our yard needs mowed. And plenty more besides.
Secondly, I've been reminded that the best preparation for the future is to seek and serve God right now, right where I am at in whatever season I find myself. What opportunities do I have right here to be serving the Lord? Well I think the most obvious and pressing is that 1) by keeping my walk with the Lord fresh I then 2) have the means to minister to my hurting husband and 3) the grace to raise my children in the Lord. What good am I anywhere else if I'm not focused on my family first?
Thirdly, I'm learning that preparation for the future isn't just about what I can do. It's also about what others are doing for us. Instead of "kicking against the goads" and feeling bad that we need help I can embrace this season and praise God for teaching us a deeper gratitude and dependency on our brothers and sisters in Christ. I can embrace the fact that we need help and can't do it all on our own. I can embrace the fact that the Lord has allowed the door to work to stay closed for so long, and trust that it is for His ultimate benefit. I can embrace asking for help and be thankful for those who God has blessed to give and to be able to give. I can be thankful that others are blessed to be a blessing because the Lord has allowed hardship into our life.
Overall, I'm learning that instead of writhing around uncomfortably during this season I can embrace it, rest in in, and learn what I can, praising God for allowing this season. Am I diligently applying to work? Yes. Am I trying to manage the money we receive well? Yes. Today, is there anything else I should be doing? Yes...then do the next best thing, and after doing it, rest. Rest in the knowledge that God is allowing this and could stop it at any time. I can enjoy this time with my family and soak in the minutes we have together. I can be glad to have time to finish the projects I haven't had time for until now. It's ok to be glad. I don't have to feel bad for having joy in our trials.
Through this all TJ and I have been feeling two things regarding our present and future: 1) We are currently right where we are supposed to be (and there's a whole other lesson of learning to be content in that) and 2) We would like to move to Germany when this time in Ohio closes.
Germany! This is the first I'll say it in public, though it's been growing on our hearts for several years now. One opportunity might be to serve at the Black Forest Academy (BFA -http://bfacademy.com/) in Kandern, Germany. Their site says, "BFA serves the children of international Christian workers and
international business families who want a North American curriculum
that incorporates a Christian worldview. BFA has an enrollment of
approximately 310 students, with about 50% of the 7th-12th grade students in the residential boarding program." It is one option we are looking at as we seek where the Lord is leading us.
Whew! This was a long update with no pictures! Elsie is awake now from her nap which means my computer time is at a close. Thank you for your prayers, encouragement, gifts and love. We are so thankful for each of you.
(PS: Just want to note this - after 8 months of TJ being off work, five months of reduced pay and three months of no pay I think it speaks strongly to God's provision in our life that all our bills are current and paid, mortgage and line of credit included. Isn't that amazing! Praise the Lord!! In the interest of full disclosure, I will say that we do have one credit card that has been unpaid for about a year and a half, but that was unrelated to the current situation and just one of those hard "something has to give" decisions. I'm hoping that when I find work it will pay enough to cover all our bills and have extra to start paying down student loans!)
